What a Trans Son and His Mom Want You to Know

Stories Connecting 168 Million LGBTQ+ Allies

Bursting Through has been gathering Declarations of Allyship from Allies and their LGBTQ+ loved ones for four years—primarily at the Las Vegas First Friday Arts and Cultural Festival. Held the first Friday of every month, First Friday as it’s called, attracts 20,000 attendees each month and hosts over 100 artists, makers, and food vendors.

During the four years I’ve been at the Festival, Bursting Through has gathered 743 Declarations of Allyship. During that process, I’ve witnessed some truly beautiful exchanges between Allies and loved ones. But nothing, nothing, was as powerful as what happened last month.

A mom and her teenage child discovered Bursting Through. The mom quickly decided to make her Declaration of Allyship. As she did, her teenager decided to as well. Neither paid attention while the other wrote.

After I placed their Declarations on the Bursting Through Wall of Allyship, they each read what the other had written. After the mom, Heather, read what her 16-year-old trans son, Travis, had written, she gave him the biggest mama bear hug I have ever seen.

I needed to know what was behind that unexpected and unplanned moment of big love. The three of us sat down for coffee and conversation. Here’s what surfaced.

Coming Out as Trans

Travis told his family he was trans through a text message. He was scared to share the news, but knew he had to. He recalled, “I was definitely scared to tell my family I was trans. Most of what I heard throughout my life, experiencing Queerness and people's reactions to Queerness, showed me that there are a lot of people who don’t understand or are not willing to understand.

I knew my parents weren’t conservative in their beliefs, but I didn’t know exactly what they felt about having a trans son. I was nervous about telling them because it was not a conversation that had ever come up, but I also felt suffocated lying to them. I am a very open person. I knew I couldn’t go on lying and pretending to be someone I am not.”

Heather responded, “We knew you were pansexual at the time. We knew you were Queer in one way, but we didn't fully understand that there was more.

I remember the day we found out you were transgender. I got a text message from you while I was working. I noticed it was a group message to the entire family. It said, ‘You need to know something. I’m transgender. I identify as male and use he/him pronouns. I have tried to tell you all many times, but couldn’t get the words to come out.’

When I read it, I didn’t know how to react, but I knew I couldn’t text my answer. I didn’t think I could say what I wanted to say that way. I felt it was a conversation that needed to be had face-to-face.

I texted back, thanking you for your honesty. I knew how much courage it took to say what you did. I said, ‘When I get home from work, I want to talk to you more about this, but know I always love you.’

I quickly realized it didn’t matter what I thought because it wasn’t about me, it was about you. I’ve had some emotional moments along the way that I have shared with you. You and I have talked about it often. There is the death of an ideal that comes with having a trans child, but my baby is still my baby; there is no difference.

When I got home and we talked about it, you said, ‘Mommy, now I have no secrets from you. This was the last secret I had to tell you.’”

Heather briefly turned to me and added, “When my husband and I talked about it, he was scared.”

She turned back to Travis with noticeable emotion in her voice, saying, “Daddy was scared. Daddy was like, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ He didn’t have any concern about loving you, but was almost in a panic because he didn’t know how to protect you in that moment.”

Turning back to me, Heather explained, “My husband is an actor. He’s been a part of the theater community for a long time, and I was born and raised here in Las Vegas. We have friends from all walks of life and have been a part of the Vegas Queer Community. It’s not like we didn’t know anyone who was trans or gay or happily living a lifestyle different from ours, but now it was our reality.”

Attacks on the Transgender Community

Our conversation turned to how the trans community is being attacked and used to stoke political discord as fuel for the United States' cultural wars.

Speaking succinctly, intelligently, and wisely beyond his years, Travis said, “I am starting an advanced Political Science class and have to pay attention to what is going on politically. I am super involved in the news and hear a lot about trans rights. Every other day, there is a story about how Trump is going to take away trans hormone therapy or some other attack on trans rights.

I feel like most of my family members are scared, but I’m just angry. I don’t see trans people as different than anyone else. We are just regular people who deserve the right to live as regular people. We shouldn’t be ostracized.

It’s like wearing a pink shirt. If someone doesn’t want to wear a pink shirt, they don’t have to, but I'm going to. How trans people are being treated is not fair.

Right now, I feel like there are a lot of people with a lot of power who aren’t taking the time to understand the people of this country. In reality, it’s the people who are supposed to be telling those in charge what to do.

We are supposed to have more control than they do, but we don’t. They are using their power to do things that a tiny but very loud group of people want, that most of us don’t. I believe most people are good people, and they can understand even if they aren’t actively trying to.

I spent so much of my pre-teen years being scared that going forward, I want to use what I feel and know to open up conversations with people who don’t understand. Instead of keeping who I am or how I feel inside, or unsaid, because I’m scared that someone is going to say or do something hurtful. I’m going to be me and hope they do say something so I can tell them what’s right.”

Heather jumped in, “I’m scared. I’m nervous to travel. We like to travel. I got passports for the whole family almost 10 years ago when we went to Europe and Mexico. I like the idea of continuing to take trips, but what if it’s not safe? How much do I want to risk it?

Do I take my baby to the border and let them tear him from me, or humiliate him in front of everybody? Am I being selfish for wanting to travel? I’m scared about stuff like that.

Outside of that, I read a lot and notice that most people I care about and who care about me and my family are also angry. However, it affects people in many different ways.

I have a girlfriend whose child is half Hispanic, and her anger is about how Hispanic people are being treated. We have friends who are Jewish, and their anger is about how their community is being treated and marginalized.

I care deeply about how all marginalized groups are being treated but most of my anger comes from how the trans and Queer community is being treated. We are all feeling similarly, but it is affecting all of us in different ways. When I realize it’s happening to so many of us, and I feel less scared of my fears, I feel less alone.

I feel I shouldn’t be so scared because the majority of us know what is happening is crazy. I think this can’t go on, but it can and is, and we’ve seen it happen before.

Next month, we are going to Seattle. I wonder if we will be okay to just get on the flight. That’s a month from now, what will it be like then? Is there going to be something else that will stop us? The fear is very real for me, but the anger is too.”

Declarations of Allyship

In his Declaration of Allyship, Travis wrote, “I am blessed enough to be accepted by my family.” He told us more about the importance of acceptance.

“When I first came out as trans, I was really scared. I knew my Mom knew I was Queer because throughout elementary school I had expressed interest in both genders and Queerness.

I knew that was okay, but being trans is a completely different wheelhouse. Being gay or lesbian is just how you love, but being transgender is who you are.

I was nervous, but my parents are so aggressively supportive of me that we have altered close relationships with some extended family. We have even stopped going to some holidays at their homes because they are not supportive of me and do not welcome me into their house.

My dad doesn’t understand why people aren’t supportive, but believes to each their own. He will get angry at family and close friends if they do not at least try to be supportive of me.

It’s very freeing for me to be able to explore myself without constraints,”

Heather’s Declaration of Allyship said, “I see you, I cherish you, I am so proud of you.” She told us more about her powerful declaration.

“It’s important to me that my son knows how much I support him, wholeheartedly. We have open conversations when I ask, ‘Am I doing it right?’, or ‘What can I do better?’ ‘How do you feel about this or that?’

I know from experience, from interacting with other LGBTQ+ teenagers out or not, that if someone would just ask them, they would probably talk, but no one thinks to ask them.

I’ve been a nurse for eleven years and spent nearly seven of those years working in the ER. I've been exposed to a lot of suicide attempts and have had a lot of suicide prevention training. I know from experience that if you just ask people questions, they will share a lot.

When I say I see you, I think it’s important for kids and everyone to know that even if they haven’t come out yet that there is a mom in the world that loves her Queer son and she sees them. That mom is me. I see them, even if their family hasn’t seen or accepted them yet. It means I love you for who you are, even if no one else does.

It’s not about whether I know that person or if they choose to come out to me. If someone hears me say, ‘I see you,’ or reads it in my message, maybe it will serve as an internal hug, and they will feel seen even if they are scared.

When I talk about cherishing my son, it isn’t me saying I love you anyway; it’s me saying I truly accept and fully cherish every piece of you. “

The Mama Bear Hug

When Heather read her son's declaration, “I am blessed enough to be accepted by my family,” she grabbed him and gave him a huge mama bear hug that seemed to catch them both by surprise. They recalled what they experienced and felt in that powerful moment.

Going first, Travis shared, “In that moment, I was really happy. My mom works very hard to make our house the safe house. I have a lot of Queer friends and people in my inner circle that can’t find solace at home. They need extra support. Some of them don’t have someone in their home they can talk to who can protect them.

If I share with a friend they aren’t able to protect me, but if I share with my mom, she can protect me. My mom is kind of like Wendy from Peter Pan, protecting the lost boys. She calls my friends and me the lost boys.”

As that statement exited Travis’s mouth, they simultaneously burst into laughter. It was clear their hearts were connected, and this child was fully protected and safe in his mom's love.

As the laughter faded, Travis continued, “There are some nights when we have fifteen people sleeping at the house. We will all sit in a circle and tell my mom how we feel. She makes tea and gives hugs. We will be their temporary family and there for what they need.

A lot of my friends know that if they have a breakup or a fight at home or don’t feel seen or have anyone to talk to, especially my Queer friends, they know for a fact that my mom is a safe person. They know I am out, feel safe, and supported, and they have access to that support.”

As if her heart was in her throat, Heather added, “In that moment, I felt seen. It matters so much to me to be Wendy for my lost boys. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, we are doing it right.’ It’s important to me that Travis feels the support we give as a family and that I give individually. It’s important that he can be comfortable in his skin and just be who he is. The fact that that is in Travis’ heart is relief and comfort to me.”

Hopes, Dreams, and Fears

As the conversation turned from reflecting on past experiences to the present and future, Travis shared what he hopes his mom and other loved ones understand about his life that they may not.

“I think my mom understands me deeply, and we are pretty close. We are very honest with each other and interconnected. A lot of the other people I know should know that for me, being trans means I can be whatever boy I want to be, and that doesn’t mean I am changing who I am.

I can be a cute boy who expresses my feminine side by wearing a skirt, and that doesn’t make me a girl. I am still a boy expressing myself. I hope that people understand I am normal and I am not going anywhere. My experience, even if it’s not the same as someone else's, doesn’t mean I am not a human being like them.”

The conversation pivoted when Heather began sharing her biggest hopes and fears for her son.

“I hope that Travis knows that the world is open to him. He can obtain any of his dreams, whatever they are. Sometimes dreams will change, and that is okay and has nothing to do with him being trans.”

Once again, she turned to speak directly to her son. “You are a person whose life and opportunities are limitless. Being trans is beautiful because it gives you a great opportunity to share your experience with other people in the hope that they will understand or feel more comfortable in the world around them.”

Turning back towards me, she continued, “What I hope others understand about Travis is that he is a person and is not different from what he was before. There was not a moment when he decided to be trans. He has been himself since day zero. He has been the person he is since the day he was born. He didn’t change; he just gets to live life more freely. I hope people can understand and celebrate that.”

As the talk turned to her fears for Travis, she reluctantly but bravely faced the world as it is today and said,“ My biggest fear is that he is going to get stopped somewhere and that someone is going to take him from me. I hope and pray that doesn’t happen, ever.”

Things We Need to Know

To wrap up our conversation, Travis and Heather both shared three things Allies, other parents, the transgender community, and all of us need to know that we don’t.

Travis

• “Sometimes Queer people are even ostracized within the Queer community. We ostracize and separate ourselves into groups, even when we are all just people and human beings. There is definitely an outside and inside group in the Queer Community.”

• “Everyone is here for the first time. Everyone is walking through life learning. No one understands everything immediately, so it is important to give people space to learn.”

• “Don’t stop someone from growing and learning. We all have opportunities to learn something new and grow from new experiences.”

Heather

• “It’s okay to ask questions, to be asked questions. It is necessary to keep asking questions. Being asked questions is an important part of our role as Allies.”

• “Having a trans child or what my trans child experiences is not about me, but is happening to me, too. It’s important to recognize that and settle with it.”

• “Support looks different to everyone and will be expressed differently by everyone. It should never be discounted or dismissed, but embraced even when it shows up differently than what you think it should.”

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